whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
