I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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