I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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