Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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