I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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