God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
