my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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