if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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