did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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