Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
