Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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