Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just found puke in my bra..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
