Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
