She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
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I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
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Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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