at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
