she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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