Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need a beard to bite.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
