the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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