can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
