u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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