I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
