I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
