dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
