I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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