I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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