woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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