i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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