my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
