when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
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Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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