that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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