I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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