I haven't been this sober since birth.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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