NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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