whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
