thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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