pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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