Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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