Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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