you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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