My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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