Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
