Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
