you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
