Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
