A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
