tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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