Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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