just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
