If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
