Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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