It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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