I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
