I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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