I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
